Oh my, have I a story to tell you! Tonight, Diane Burwood called me to oversee the final Dropoff of people from the Medicine Men, and I asked Wendy Fuckin’ Walker to come with me for backup and the much needed moral support. For some reason I can’t remember, I really really needed her there.
Anyway, once we got to the drop-off point in Germantown, Wendy went up to her vantage point and I went to go square everything off with the Medicine Men Man. When I got closer, a little girl (who couldn’t have been older than little cousin Mah!de) ran out of the shipping crate! That lit my fires so much I would have turned red if I had pulse. Before I could say anything to M&M&M, he elbowed her across the face and threw her back into the crate.
“NO. NO NO NO NO NO. " I got right up in his face like I’d seen in the old Cop Marsflix, “Are you a gangster or a fuckboi? Gangsters do not hurt little girls!”
The part where it diverged from the Marsflix started when i got a close up 4D view of M&M&M’s pores getting “all up in my grill” ( i learned phrase that today) until I used my amazing powers of Persuasion to make him calm down and never strike a little girl ever again. He backed off, just in time for us to spot the truck coming down the road to pick up the shipment for EVO.
Only it wasn’t Steve, the worst undercover EVO agent ever (Ugh, Steve is just the worst! >.> ) but a bunch of Skinheads waving guns in the air! Satan’s Son and Harlots were coming right for us, so i expertly dove out of the way, and was only shot 3 times.
The battle was over as quickly as it started, as Wendy Fuckin’ Walker put a bullet right into the modified fossil fuel tank that all assholes love to have installed on their cars. The explosion was so bright, I almost forgot how terrified I’m supposed to be of fire (but i didn’t and curled up into a ball in the corner until the ringing in my ears stopped).
Anyway, the real truck (and steve, spacebarf) Diane was pleased with a successful drop, but I really hope EVO can do something to help that little girl. Diane gave me another job, to rescue some surgeon from the freakin Yakuza!
Wendy and I drove, and talked about nothing really important, at least I think so anyway. I expertly bluffed my way into the Yakuza headquarters under the guise of James, you-know from Ren Roku Megacorps. I made a guard hand over his basement keycard, and went down to the dungeons where i thought this doctor might be being kept.
Upon turning the corner, I saw a man trapped in a cell, naked as the day he was born, and being watched by man who wasn’t exactly paying attention to him. His communicator’s holo-display showed a 360 degree rendering of some hardcore, hardcore porn and his elbow moving quickly in short bursts.
THE GUARD JACKIN IT. ON THE JOB. HOLY SPACECOW.
The Yakuza really go for the lowest bidder, don’t they?
Apparently not as much as i had thought, because despite the load moaning/screaming pornography, he heard me step down the hallway and turned around.
I quickly activated my powers of charm, held up my hand, and told him “Just keep Jackin it, and everything will be fine.” The man stepped up continued to tug on his member, and pulled his gun out.
“DROP THE GUN” I commanded, making sure to be more specific about what exactly i wanted him to drop. He dropped it, but kept coming for me, and throwing punches. I juked to the right as his left hand swung wide, knocking himself off balance, as his now-limp dick continued to be stretched by his right.
I grabbed the back of his neck and activated my stun, but the man was big and he shook it off. Behind me, the doctor broke free of his cell and punched him as well! I took a punch to the face and decided I’d had enough of this encounter.
“SIT DOWN” I spoke as I glared into his mind. He sat and started to yell for help. I decided to go for a more complicated command. “You will tell no one about us, and will just say you were down here Masturbating and watching porn, getting a bit too into it.” He agreed, and in true Vampire-Batman fashion, I blended into the shadows, while the meat-beater’s coworkers dragged him away with his hand on his meats.
Doc Winter was quite grateful for the rescue, but not as grateful as Lu Chen, son of an old Triad boss and the nasty starved prisoner behind door number 2. He offered me a great deal of riches, which peaked my interest. Diane confirmed his identity, and Wendy helped carry him and helped us escape through the building under a shroud of shadows.
We all had Pizza Ramen at home for an authentic Chinese dinner until Diane came to collect Doc Winter and Luey. although i think she still owes me for the laundering costs of my date pants :(
Shortly after it was only me and Wendy left at my place (Which will be upgraded with all the money from tonight’s missions!!) I got a call from Walter (<3><3)>t I remember? I better keep this
space diary mission log updated on a daily basis, I have to figure this out.